These Waters are My Sky

2005-09-30T14:55:00.000-05:00

Okay okay. I'm updating.

Finally.

It's been so long since I've put pen to paper that I feel anything I write will be completely insignificant. Oh well. Here goes... As most of you know I finally made it back to Chicago last Friday for LEAVE. Whew. 8 months in the Navy... who would have thought?

In the past two months I've gone through an emotional dryspell. Very little excites me and pretty much everything annoys me. I try to hide it and just play nice.

I'm not a very good actress.

This man that I work with and completely admire was one of the first to notice that something was up. I should be thrilled that he cares- he's a very funny, handsome guy. I should love the attention. But I didn't. I was embarrassed that other people were starting to pick up on my embittered attitude. Especially him.

I left things in South Carolina a mess. Two of my good friends have turned into two of my good "more than friends." And I really don't know who to chose. Normally when something like this happens it ends horribly. Utter disaster. Maybe I'm adult enough to sort it out without hurting anyone or seeming like a total bitch. That would take maturity... and as most of you know, I don't exactly have it in spades.

And then there's Cal. He's mostly single now, and no longer friends with the group of men I used to call "my guys." He wants to move to New York. Leaving me. It's completely heartbreaking. I have these feelings for him that I can't describe. I feel like I'm in high school when I'm around him. Like a thousand butterflies are trapped inside me... Lame, I know. And he will never feel that way about me, yet he continues to call and I continue to hope. He said that he would stay in Charleston if I moved out of the barracks and into an appartment with him. I have the power to make him stay. I just don't think I'm quite that disillusioned.

It reminds me of my freshman year of college when Dick and I moved in together. It was great... for a while. It eventually became this huge awkward hassle and our friendship and our relationship fell apart. I don't want to do that again. Ever.

Speaking of Dick, things with him are going pretty well, actually. He wants me to visit him in Iowa while I'm on leave. We talk every couple of weeks and he's... I don't know... somehow gentle. I'm afraid that I'll go see him and things would be weird.

Wow. Afraid. I never really use that word, but I guess it's completely fitting. I've become so trapped by my inhibitions that I don't take any chances. I always look before I leap. ALWAYS. And then I become so afraid of falling that I never leap.

I want the fairytale but I'm terrified that my carriage will turn back into a pumpkin.

I've created this tough, sarcastic, quick witted exterior to protect myself from everyone- from being hurt. Inexpicably, however, one man know's just the thing to say to break down my walls enough for a tear to squeeze through.

It's compltetely unnerving.

He thinks it's hilarious and it makes me furious, but thank god he does it.

2005-07-09T21:00:00.000-05:00

These hours are killing me.

I wake up at 0445 every morning and work from 0545 to 2100 every day. That's why you haven't heard from me recently. South Carolina's pretty nice, though. I go to the beach almost every weekend... except when its raining. It rains a lot here. Man, does it rain a lot.

I think I'm finally becoming acclamated to life here. Sort of. I'm studying Electrical Engineering, and I find it terribly boring. My creativity has been curbed (to say the least). I've actually been kinda depressed here. I've begun to forget all the things I liked about myself. Here, all that matters is your test scores (btw I'm doing pretty well; I have a 3.4 average) so that's how I define myself now.

I used to be a lot of things:
a sister
a knitter
a juggler
a volleyball player
a writer
a poet
an artist
a party animal (haha)
... I used to design clothes
go to baseball games
watch the history channel
go to the aquarium
...I guess what I'm trying to say is I used to be a lot happier.

I just don't have any "me" time. I haven't seen my best friends in a year, and I haven't seen my family in 4 months. It's hard sometimes.

I've met a lot of people, and a couple good friends. I've been dating a little. That's always fun. The ratio of guys to girls is 33:1. So basically if you don't have anything dangling between your legs you have a little fan club following you around all the time.

In the beginning I really enjoyed the attention, but now I just think it's annoying. These guys, a lot of them are only like 18 or 19 years old... fresh out of high school. They get these huge crushes on me and it makes me really uncomfortable. I don't really know what to say to them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

Oh well. It's time for me to grow up and get tough. At some point I need to learn to stand up for myself. There is one guy though.... mmmm. I can't really describe how I feel about him- I don't think I even really know.

Let's call him Cal. I met Cal when I first got to South Carolina. I was outside at the smokepad having a cigarette (its the only place on base you can smoke) when this guy came up to me and started talking. He was really really really arrogant. He asked me if I wanted to go out to his truck to "listen to music." I was like 'yeah right, i don't think so' and decided that he was the most conceded jerk ever, but man was he hot! I started saying hi to Cal whenever I saw him out smoking, and his cocky attitude actually started to grow on me.

One night a bunch of my friends and I went to this stripclub downtown and guess who I saw sitting front and center? Yep, Cal. That was an interesting night... remind me to tell that story at some point. Long story wayyyy short: Cal and I decided to do the whole "special friends" thing. It's been going on for the past three months only there are a coulpe of snaffus... #1 He's not totally single, #2 I'm starting to have feelings for him.

Cal's on leave right now. He gets back sometime tomorrow. Since he's been gone I've been doing some dating to try to get over him. It hasn't really worked. At all. Plus I think I have a boyfriend or something now... so it should be interesting to see what happens when Cal gets back. Hmmm, this could get very interesting.

More stories later, I promise.

2005-05-21T16:37:00.000-05:00

Well I finally got internet!!!

So much has happened in the past four months that it almost seems pointless to write about it.

I never thought I would make it through bootcamp. It was really mentally challenging, but I actually ended up loving it.

Now I'm at school learning to do my job. I go to school like 15 hours a day. Oh man! Talk about stressful! But I have a leadership position and I'm number one in my class... so thats pretty sweet.

I dont really have a lot of time to write, but I just wanted everyone to know that i made it. :)

2005-02-04T14:54:00.000-06:00

The end of my last work day is in sight. 2 hours. I may leave a little earlier to catch a nap before the evening festivities begin.

1st on the list: Drinks with my recruiter.
Nap.
Then off to eat with the fam for my mom's b-day.

Oh crap. Insert "Buy mom b-day present" somewhere before dinner.

Then I'm off to hang out with my friend Jackie and some men from the Chicago Fire (pro soccer team).

I should also pack and junk. I guess I'll have to squeeze that in somewhere. Maybe before dinner but after my nap.

Hmmm. I didn't realize that I would miss my coworkers the way I'm sure I will. Not all of them, but there are a few people who really just make the day breeze by. And while I totally distract them from getting anywork done, we're able to joke around and make work-dare I say- fun?

By the time I see them again I may be a very different person. I may even be a little more mature (although I wouldn't set the bar too high for that goal).

Moving on is always one of those bittersweet times for me. I guess nothing lasts forever.

2005-02-03T11:14:00.000-06:00

The greyhound trip was relatively uneventful-aside from a few strange characters (a guy with a mullet, pulled back in a sloppy ponytail covered in a "Bob Seger" bandana wearing black high-top reebox and a members only jacket blasting 80s rock from a cassette walkman. Please note: he had the original cassette cases and was very protective of them)

Iowa was alright. Also relatively uneventful. I saw the ex, hung out with my old roommate, went to a bar and a few parties. Fun. I really did enjoy myself. But it wasn't terribly eventful.

I'm kinda stressed with doomsday approaching (the day I leave for basic training)- next Monday. Wow.

I'm training my replacement at work. It's nice because she's doing my work, but it sucks cause I have absolutely nothing to do. She's totally taken over my desk and computer so I have nowhere to sit and no place to surf the internet. That's why I haven't blogged all week.

I'd like to say I have a lot of fun things planned before I officially sign my life over to the government, but in actuality I will probably watch TV, pack, and do my taxes. Woo Hoo!

I am milking this Navy thing for all it's worth though. If I want to watch something on TV or eat something or sleep in, my statement to my family is "I won't be able to do [this] again for god knows how long." It works every time.

2005-01-25T12:45:00.000-06:00

IOWA STATE: Part 1-The Greyhound
2 Weeks.

Wow.

2 weeks from today I will be in bootcamp, the point of no return.

I am taking a break from the monotony of daily Chicago life to return to Iowa State and visit some of my friends before I leave and they graduate-then there are others who probably don't even realize that I'm not at school anymore. They probably figure our paths just haven't crossed.

Going to Iowa State is always an ordeal. It's about a 6.5 hour car ride... That's if I was driving. Instead, it's between 9 and 12 hours on the Greyhound.

The weirdest people in America ride the Greyhound, which inevitably creates the most bizarre stories. There are three in particular that I will probably one day tell my grandchildren.

1. My freshman year of college I was on my way back to Chicago via the Greyhound. After listening to some woman's life story of how she found herself on the bus going to rehab, I finally drifted off to sleep. I awoke some hours later at a truck stop to find an undercover cop hovering over me. I was the only one on the bus.

He explained that while everyone was grabbing a bite, he and his team were going to be searching the bottom of the bus for drugs. Ooookay. I thought. I got off the bus and went into Arby's to get fries. When I came back outside, all the bags were on the ground and a detective was walking a german sheppard up and down the line.

I lit a cigarette and started to shoot the shit with the cops, offering them some fries and turning on my charm- hey I was bored and we were gonna be there FOREVER. I asked the man how the search was going... if they had found anything. He responded that it was going alright and wanted to know which bag was mine.

I scanned the line of bags searching for my two duffel bags, but they were no where to be found. Then I saw them, off by themselves, quarantined and guarded by one of the detectives. I pointed to my bags. Shit. He explained that all the bags had passed the dog test except for mine and they needed to search them, and could they search my stuff on the bus as well?

A little concerned that maybe I did have drugs and just didn't know it, I asked if he didn't need a warrant for that. He didn't.

I had packed really quickly and had a pair of thong panties in my purse. I quickly snatched them out before handing my bag over to him and shoved them in my pocket. Well, he saw me and demanded I show him what I had. He reached into my pocket and pulled em out. I was mortified.

We never did figure out what made the dog go crazy over my bags, maybe he was smelling my puppy or something. Who knows? No drugs here though, just lacey panties.

2. A few months later I was taking the Greyhound from Chicago to Iowa State. These four men with big down coats and doo-rags, apparently drunk were starting fights in the station. I stood quietly in line waiting for my bus to board. I figured I would take a 12am bus and sleep the whole way.

I left the line to step outside for a cigarette and a man approached me to bum one. I handed him a cigarette and went back to sucking mine down. He didn't walk away though. Instead, he asked me if I smoked weed cause he had the "best shit" in Chicago... when I told him that I don't smoke, he pulled out a bottle of something and offered to sell it to me for $15 so I could get drunk on the bus. I said "No thanks" and hurried back inside to board the bus.

I was one of the last to board that night. I got on the bus and they had overbooked it. There were five people behind me, but only one seat left-next to one of the drunk men. He waved for me to come sit next to him and I silently groaned.

I made my way to the back of the bus, threw my stuff in the overhead bin and plopped down next to him. He immediately started talking to me. Telling me about the guy he and his friends almost jumped in the terminal. Grrreat. 10 hours left.

The ride was horrible. He kept resting his head on my shoulder, hand on my leg, telling me that I was beautiful and told me that before we got to Iowa he would "make me his woman". He told me that he wanted me to show me off to all of his friends. They would never believe that he had a woman as incredible as me.

The gin on his breath made me sick, and his constant advances made me very anxious. There was no where for me to move though. So I sat up the whole night. Just trying to keep his paws off me. One time I thought he was asleep. I wanted to glance over to make sure before I would let my guard down.

He was just sitting there. Staring at me.

I felt sick. 7.5 hours later his trip was finally over. He begged me for my number and watched me from the sidewalk as my bus drove away. I vowed never to ride the Greyhound again.

3. Fast forward 6 months. I bought a ticket to ride the bus home from Ames. It was another one of those overnight trips. 9pm-5am... Supposedly. I planned to read for a few hours and then sleep the rest of the way to Chicago. I boarded the bus and found a seat in the last row. The bus was absolutely packed.

The guy next to me was about my age and seemed friendly enough-until he started popping pills. A few rows up a woman I could only assume was on crack was shrieking and hitting her boyfriend who was sitting next to her. Pill-popper started yelling obscenities in their direction along the lines of "SHUT THE @&$% UP!!" Everyone on the bus started to involve themselves.

The woman across the aisle was sick of the flailing arms, young mothers wanted quiet for their babies to sleep, men had shouting matches to see who could tell her to shut up the loudest and most profane way... and the boyfriend just sat there, getting the crap kicked out of him.

After over an hour of this, a flailing arm finally hit the woman across the aisle and she demanded to have them thrown off. The bus driver got off the bus, made a phone call, but didn't kick them off. We got on the highway and drove to the next stop. Halfway there, we got a police escort. A fleet of squad cars surrounded us as we pulled into the bus stop. The couple was greeted with a dozen men with a dozen rifles.

After about 45 minutes we were on our way again. 15 miles outside of town the brakes on the bus locked up. We couldn't move at all. The bus driver turned off the bus and explained that he couldn't turn on the emergency lights while the bus was off.

I started freaking out because I was in the last row, we were hanging off the shoulder onto the highway and trucks were whizzing past. The driver told us that we couldn't get off the bus, but anyone who wanted to smoke could smoke on the bus. Then he was gone.

YEP. You read correctly. GONE. He headed off somewhere and left the bus and all of us. Babies were crying, mothers were screaming to put cigarettes out, Pill-Popper was laughing and munching on pills, a group of men started lighting blunts (YES BLUNTS), and I just sat there getting more and more claustrophobic.

Over an hour later the bus driver returned. He was able to drive the bus to a Rest Area where we sat til 5am (we should have already been home, but here we were only 2 1/2 hours into the drive) waiting for another bus. I got into Chicago around 11am with absolutely no sleep and the last of my patience long gone--so I SWORE I would never take the Greyhound again.

......................................Well, my bus leaves tomorrow night at 9:30 for Iowa State. It's an overnight bus. I figure I'll sleep the whole way.

2005-01-17T16:00:00.000-06:00

The recent influx of those "Three Things" lists among the blogger community reminded me of this email I was sent last year. 101 Things About Me. Many of the things have been updated to relate to my life as it is now. Some things were left the same.

OnE HuNdReD AnD OnE QuEsTiOnS
1) Starting time: 4:20pm
2) Full Name: Catherine****Censored****
3) Nicknames: Catie, Cate (for people who are too lazy to throw in the extra syllable), Caitlin, Staubber, and briefly Pretty Goddess
4) School: N/A-- THE NAVY, was at Iowa State University- the Cyclones (not University of Iowa and the Hawkeyes)!!
5) Email: Censored
6) Eyes: sparkling blue
7) Hair: brown…although I dyed it bright red for a while cause it made me feel like a little fire cracker
8) Height: like 5'11"-good for sports and modeling, not much else
9) Siblings: three brothers, one sister. (16,14,13,9)
10) Have you ever been cheated on? Yeah. Almost everyone I’ve ever gone out with has cheated on me.
11) Ever missed school because it was raining: I can find sillier reasons than RAIN not to go to class. I havent changed THAT much guys!
13) Kept a secret from everyone: yes of course
14) Had an imaginary friend: no
16) Cried during a Flick: of course I HAVE! It all started with the Little Mermaid. I prolly couldnt name em all if I tried
17)Had a crush on a teacher: Just one? I fleeting crushes on a couple. Especially TAs
18) Ever thought of animated characters as hot?: HELL YEAH! Aladdin! Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid!
19) Ever at anytime owned a 'New Kids On the Block album: JUST the Album? I had the bed sheets, the lunch box, the posters, the Joey McIntire Doll, and copies of their TV series (yeah, they were cartoons!)
20) Ever prank called someone: My friend Whitney and I called boys we liked in Jr. High and played I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. We thought we were really clever.
21) Been on stage: uhhh does the 8th grade play count? What about Karioke?

-----------FAVORITES------------------

22) Shampoo: Garnier Frutis
23) Color: I dont know, it depends on my mood. I really like turquoise and periwinkle
24) Summer/Winter: Summer! Definitely. I love the heat! BBQs and beer. Yum.
25) Online: AIM or Yahoo Pool in French…Im addicted
26) Lace, silk or satin?: I love lace…its sexier
27) Like Anyone? I have a lot of crushes and I love kissing boys, but Im not looking for anything major.
28) Who have you known the longest of your friends? Lesley, then Ellie. But its a pretty close call
29) Who's the loudest friend you have: Toughie...I think it might be me.
30) Who's the shyest friend you have: I dont really have any…theyre all pretty crazy
31) Who do you go to for advice: Ellie, Lesley, My Dad
32) Who do you get along with: pretty much everyone

-----------IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS HAVE YOU------------

33) Cried: nope
34) Been mean: oh Ive been kinda mean to some people this past week. I think im just really stressed. I dont mean anything by it.
36) Been sarcastic: I am NEVER sarcastic…ever...haha. well when I am Dan calls me on it all the time. He said People hide behind a wall of sarcasm
37) Met someone new: This weekend I reunited with some long-lost friends. Does that count?
38) Talked to someone you have a crush on?: 5 minutes ago. I visit his office a couple times a day
39) Missed someone: Today. Yesterday. I miss Iowa. Who would've thought?
40) Hugged someone: OF COURSE! I love hugs!
41) Fought with someone: Yeah... just small family spats
42) Wished upon a star: Not recently
43) Laughed until you've cried: Lesley makes me cry with laughter every day! MWAH!
44) Played Truth or Dare: nope... but I have taken a few dares
45) Watched a sunrise/sunset: Yeah, but most the time its right before I pass out on a Saturday night (Sun. morning)
46) Went to the beach at night: BRRRR!!! It's too cold!
47) Read a book for fun: No, but I read CNN.com every day.
49) Are you lonely: Sometimes. Who isn't?
50) Are you happy: I'm happy with who I am. Theres a lot missing in my life, but I wouldnt say Im unhappy.
51) Are you talking to someone online: Nope, suprisingly

--------DO YOU BELIEVE IN -----------

52) God/Devil: Yes
53) Love: Yeah, but I dont know whether its something that should come naturally or if it should be work in progress
54) The Closet Monster: no
55) The Big Bang Theory: no
56) Heaven/hell: Yes
57) Superstitions: Yeah. Im really into that stuff. Its kinda borderline OCD
59) Who named you?: I dont know. I was supposed to be a boy named Peter. When I wasnt, I was named after my great grandmother
60) Backstreet Boys or N Sync: Neither.
61) When was the last time you showered: Eww. Like 2 days ago.
62) What was the last thing you said when u were online?: Its all flowers and sunshine now.
64) What is your computer desk made of: I have no idea. Who writes these questions?
65) What was the last thing that you did today? Typed up a contract
67) Where would you want to go on your honeymoon? Oh I dunno. Hawaii or Mexico….Maybe Italy- Let me find a GUY first
68) Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with: If I went into all the characteristics I was looking for this would take forever. But Ill know when I find him-hopefully.
69) How's the weather: 10s
70) What did you do yesterday/today: slept, worked, went to church, dug my clothes out of the dumpster, ran into my ex, talked to another ex, did the dishes, ate ice cream
71) What do you find attractive about the opposite sex?: eyes, smile, sense of humor, tattoos (not too many), lip, eyebrow or nipple piercings (I LOVE EM), a really nice chest and abs… a nice body all around, intellegence, compassion, ambitition.
72) How do YOU eat an Oreo: lick the inside first then dunk in milk
73) All time favorite TV show: Friends and Family Guy, followed by CSI and the old Twilight Zone episodes
74) Dream car: I just want a big black pickup. F150 maybe. If not, Ill take a Wrangler
75) What do you want to be when you grow up: a lawyer
78) Number: I dont know. Either 6 or 9 (because they were my volleyball numbers, NOT for any dirty reason!!! Get your mind out of the gutter!)
79)Favorite food: strawberries, chocolate, pineapple pizza, steak, oh im hungry. This list could go on and on…. 80) Favorite days of the week: Fridays I think…I also like Thursdays, cause the weeks almost over!
83) If you could change your name, what would it be: Dan and I were discussing this. In Friends, Phoebe changed her name to something ridiculous and wouldnt change it back, so her husband, Mike, changed
his name to Crap Pile. I dont think I could be anything other than Catie
85) The most stupid thing u ever done: O god I do stupid things all the time. It would be so hard to choose just one…all of you can probably think of more stories than I can right now. I put a lit cigarette down my bra when I was drunk last year to save it for later...
86) First Son's name: Michael
87) Wife/husband: husband – but who knows what his name will be. He better have a good last name though!
88) First daughter: Hmmm, I like Madeline, Maddie for short, but I’ll probably go with Margaret Mary (family name)
89) Favorite drink: Propel water by Gatorade (the Peach is the BEST, go out and buy one!!)... alcoholic drink? I like em all. I like a simple rum and coke or shot of tequilla
90) You like scary or funny movies better?: funny, I scare REAL easy
91) On the phone or in person: in person
92) Lust or Love: love, but Ill take lust every once in a while
93) If you could change something about yourself what would it be?: I dont know….Id be more motivated, thinner, and care less about impressing others.
94) Do you consider cheerleading a sport: yeah. I watch MTV, Ive seen Camp Jim… its tough
95) Do you have pets: nope, the ex got to keep our rott
96) Who sent this survey to you: Cammy
97) What do you think of this person: I love Cam, shes always been there for me and I have always tried to do the same for her. Shes been a spiritual role model…well, actually she a role model in almost everything she does. Shes hilarious and kind and forgiving, and I know that no matter how bad I screw up shell be there to love me.
98) What is your favorite type of music: I love everything…. Country is my GUILTY PLEASURE though
99) Anything you want to say: Live your life like it's a celebration!~Ill just leave Cams response
100) Do you hate when they ask you if you want your friends will answer? Eh I dont really care one way or the other
101) Time finished: 5:30p

Hope you enjoyed that. More on #70 later.

2005-01-14T14:38:00.000-06:00

I am in love.

I have loved this man since the day I met him. 2 1/2 years ago.

I was young and stupid and "not ready for a relationship." He said he'd be there when I changed my mind. He wasn't.

We remained good friends.

Then I moved home and joined the Navy. He's in Iowa. I would leave the Navy and marry him if he was ever inclined to ask.

He's a good 'ol farm boy with big goals and simple dreams. I love everything about him. He's always been there for me and now it's my turn to be there for him.

He has cancer.

He's only 20 years old.

It's cancer in his lymph nodes. In his neck and in his chest.

He starts chemo next week.

I love him so much and I am just devastated that he has to endure this. He's the nicest guy you'd ever meet. Friends with everyone. He's gonna be Best Man in his brothers wedding. It makes me smile to think of him in a tux. I was talking to him yesterday and it went something like this:

"I bet you look very handsome in a tux. I'm sure it doesn't happen very often. You seem like a jeans and t-shirt man to me."

"I am a jeans and t-shirt man."

A man of few words. A jeans and t-shirt man. In love with his truck. A home grown Iowa boy. Eats Chinese food every Sunday. Loves football. Reliable. Happy.

And I love him.

And I'm terrified for him.

2005-01-10T16:03:00.000-06:00

I have become the other woman.

Now before you judge, just listen.

Not the other woman in a sexual sense, but an emotional one. (Many women would argue that this is far worse.)

I don't know exactly when it happened, or who was "my first," but somewhere in the past year, I have become everyone's shoulder to cry on. Everytime one of my guy friends has a fight or breaks up with their girlfriend, I am the first girl they call for advice/consoling.

This would be less awkward if I hadn't had relationships with these men in the past.

I guess I should make myself less available to them, but I sincerely wish I could help allieviate their pain.

It's a very tricky line to walk.

2005-01-07T14:45:00.000-06:00

16 years ago my family moved to our current home. Across the street lived (lives) a man-we'll call him Luke. He was a pretty friendly man, always coming across the street to say "hi" and see how things were going. My mom is one of those SUPER-Neighbors who has to know everyone. She would talk to him whenever he came around, chit-chatting about this and that.

Luke, however, always seem to pay more attention to me than my parents. *Please note we moved when I was four.* I vaguely remember him taking me behind his house to have "private" conversations. The details are all very fuzzy. It's hard at this point to be sure of what I remember, but I do remember him warning that my parents wouldn't understand us being friends.

Neither did I. I grew a fierce fear and distrust of this man.

Luke seemed to me to be a little "off" the older I got. He lives with his old mother, collecting her social security payments. He rides a bicycle everywhere. He's very sneaky... he'll just show up out of nowhere.

He would stand across the street, watching as I mowed the lawn, talked on the phone, read a book- you name it. It got to the point where I was uncomfortable going outside. *Not that this really matters, but I live in a very nice neighborhood in a nice suburb of Chicago.* I say that, just to say this: My parents thought that I was crazy.

Luke started getting even more weird in the past couple of years. For instance, every Sunday for over a year he would steal our TV Guide out of the Sunday Paper.

Then weird turned to scary.

He got fired from his job at a nearby liquor store for fondling a customer and stealing. The police started getting involved. A few weeks later, the police were involved again. The Photo Place called the cops because they were concerned about some pictures Luke had dropped off: kids getting on the school bus in front of his house and neighborhood girls getting in and out of their cars.

My parents finally started to take me seriously.

Around Thanksgiving Luke beat up his 80 yr old mom. She's in the nursing home waiting to die. They don't think its a good idea for her to go home.

He posted bail.

He started hanging out around my job. Asking me when I was getting off. I stayed at work hours later and got rides home. I started carrying mase.

My mom took me to the police station to file a police report. I decided it would be in my best interest not to. When you file a report the police contact the accused and give him the details of the investigation. He's proven to have violent tendencies, and until now his obsession of me was adoration- creepy but not violent. I was too afraid.

A few weeks later he followed my sister and me to church. He sat two rows behind us. I was shaking.

I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks-until today.

I was going out to lunch with my best friend and saw a fleet of squad cars speeding towards us. They stopped at the liquor store. Joking I said, "Wouldn't it be funny if that was Luke?"

And it was.

But not funny. Hopefully they have him on something that will stick. I live in fear of him every day. And I fear for my little sister-who looks just like me- and pray that he won't torment her after I leave for the navy.

Anyone who beats up their 80 yr old mom is truly sick.

2005-01-04T16:45:00.000-06:00

10 Quick Things
(NOT A TOP 10 LIST- I hate those... No offense to anyone who made one to count down the new year...):

1. If you ever find yourself about to say "I love you" way too early in the relationship, it's probably not a very good cover to instead blurt out, "I love U...nicorns."

2. I've learned that I really really dislike chocolate. I think I may be one of the few women who feels this way. Now with the end of the holiday season and months of being force-fed sweets I think I may rather eat worms.

3. Just because you buy a used car from a mechanic does NOT mean it is reliable. Case in point: The weekend after Thanksgiving I bought a 1996 Chevy Cavalier from a friendly mechanic at the reccommendation of my brother and mom. That was Nov. 27th. On December 12th, roughly two weeks later, it blew a rod and had to be towed. I have no car now. I am in debt because of the damn thing and I still owe $500 on it. But good news- my license plates are in.

4. Survivor and The Bachelor first aired years ago, so why is it that the Reality TV craze hasn't completely fizzled out? F-O-X. They come up with reality shows so offensive that viewers tune in for nothing more than to watch the train wreck.

A few examples: The Littlest Groom, Average Joe, Trading Spouses, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance (&Boss)and now... "WHO'S MY DADDY." Grrreat. I caught a glimpse of it last night, and it was about as bad as you would expect. Please resist the urge to see it for yourself. Viewership will just keep it on the air.

(I'd also like to note that "The Littlest Groom" was a MINIseries. How cruel... but kinda funny in a way only FOX can be.)

5. While we're talking about how passe Reality TV is, I'd like to add to the list of things that were SO last year:
-The Atkins Diet
-Family Guy/ Adult Swim (on Cartoon Network)
-Texas Hold 'Em

Please feel free to add to the list.

6. This blog's Title is part of a country song that I found fitting because I am in the Navy. Brownie points for anyone who knows what it is. (BTW my old title was "The Mundane Life of a Sex Kitten (haha)"- not everyone found it as funny as me).

7. I feel (correct me if I'm wrong) that it is a well known fact that women outnumber men. So then is this an indication of why many men have a wandering... um... eye.... ? Why many men cannot be faithful? Or think it's okay to have more than one girlfriend?

Are men biologically predisposed (through evolution?) to polygamy?

8. I think THIS is incredible.

9. Which leads me to the new WORD OF THE DAY: Skookum (SKOO-kuhm) adj. powerful, first-rate, impressive.

10. And now I leave you with this Irish Blessing;

May the light always find you on a dreary day.
When you need to be home, may you find your way.
May you always have courage to take a chance.
And never find frogs in your underpants.

2005-01-04T09:44:00.000-06:00

Signs found in the bathroom of my work:
"Please use the seat covers provided
There has been evidence of feces on the toilet and walls"

"Please check after yourself to make
sure you didn't leave a tinkle on the toilet"

Some women are disgusting. Men have a totally different bathroom etiquette though...
(Some of you may remember this on my blog early last year; it's making a second appearance.)

2005-01-03T13:03:00.000-06:00

Need 5 minutes of fun?

2005-01-03T11:45:00.000-06:00

A month ago you may have heard these words come out of my mouth:

"It's not that everything's perfect, but for the first time in a while I am incredibly happy."

Place your bets that you won't hear those words anytime soon.
It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that I'm incredibly stressed. I leave in 36 days. I have a LOT of loose ends to tie up. Mostly finances and family.

I am in debt cause I bought a car that has since blown a rod- which means, basically it's worthless (to me at least). My mom and I are on the outs. I have college loans to worry about. And a planned trip back to Iowa State to say goodbye may never happen. Everyone is leaving soon to go back to their respective schools, and I haven't really spent any real time with anyone.

Work has me stressed. I have a lot of busy work that I've left, as always, for the last minute. It really wouldn't be fair to leave it all for my replacement. Oh well. Fair-shmair. I'll do it when I can get to it.

Most of all, I'm scared.

I'm scared to leave. Scared to be in the military. Scared of being on a boat with the threat of earthquakes and tsunamis. Scared to change.

While I'm not necessarily pleased with the way my life had been going recently, I AM finally pleased with the person I've become. I've become very comfortable in my own skin. In 36 days, however, I am going to be thrown into a whirlwind with thousands of strangers, virtually cut off from my family and friends. Forced to see how well I really do know myself. Forced to let go.

Relinquish my freewill to a higher power. The Military. Well, for that matter, God.

Admit defeat and move on to another segment of my life.

I've always told my friends that someday I should write memoirs about all the ridiculous things that have happened to me. This will be Part II: My First Years of "Adulthood" --which is funny, because I have always felt like an adult. . . forced to be too mature for my age. Now that I am -according to textbooks- well into adulthood, I feel ill-equipped to handle anything on my own.

I find myself saying, "Hey, I'm just a kid."

2004-12-30T13:43:00.000-06:00

The Ghost of New Years Past.
With New Year's Eve quickly approaching, I find myself in the uncomfortable place of having no concrete plans. It seems as though everyone is out of town, sick, or working. The people who remain are, for the most part, not people I really want to hang out with. I guess that's not entirely true. I have no problems with them, I just don't want to spend the night with all their friends. I guess I'm mostly to blame for that though- In high school and college I was always the girl who was friends with everyone, but never really had a group to call my own (**soft violin music plays in the background**). So here I find myself, December 30th and no plans.

What happened to the days of drinking hot chocolate in the living room with my family, desperately waiting for the ball to drop? My mom and dad and their close neighbor friends in the other room, drinking wine and gossiping loudly. My siblings curled up on the ground, sleeping softly, unable to make it the extra few hours. And me. Determined to prove that I was grown up. Refusing to miss the biggest party of the year. Eyes glued to the television. Everyone would come into the room at 11:59 and count down the seconds to the New Year. 5.....4.....3.....2.....1......HAPPY NEW YEAR! I made it! I'd rifle through the cabinets for the biggest pots and spoons and I'd lead the parade of people from my house to the middle of our quiet neighborhood, banging on a pan all the way. Shouting "Happy New Year!" Celebrating with all the adults. Having a sip of wine. And in those moments I knew that the next year was going to be memorable. This was going to be my year. And looking back, it always was.

Whatever you end up doing this New Year's Eve have fun and be safe. And if I don't figure out what I'm gonna do, I might just stay home with the family and watch as my little siblings run out with their pots and pans at midnight. Maybe I'll even lead the parade.

2004-12-29T12:55:00.000-06:00

A Few Things:
1. I just fell down a flight of stairs at work on my way to get some gum. The cost of a pack of gum out of the vending maching in the basement- $0.35 The value of my time that I spent digging in my purse for change- $3.00 Me thudding down five stairs before regaining my composure and walking away as though nothing had happened- PRICELESS

2. Kicking someone out of your car and driving away before they have a chance to get their second foot on the ground may piss them off.

3. If you're a girl and all of your friends are guys, it's probably not because they think you're one of them. They probably just want to get in your pants. Be wary of them offering to pay for you and 3am text messages.

4. A Haiku --The demise of my month-long relationship
vodka is yummy (can be replaced with "he loves his money")
he gets mad when i go out
he's never around

P.S.
-You can now comment again. . . click on "Say Something"
-Links are coming soon

2004-12-28T15:26:00.000-06:00

I love small towns. I just got back from Southern Illinois-visiting my dad's family. It was so peaceful.
Small country roads.
Snow covered streets.
Four stop lights.
Three bars.
One grocery store.
No sidewalks
and a Walmart.

Here's a little story from a small town in Illinois:

My cousin's freshman spanish class was having a little holiday party right before christmas break. Everyone was invited to bring in a snack. The usual party foods were present- chips & dip, candy, cookies, and brownies. Now these were not your ordinary brownies. Yep. You guessed it. Some kid had the bright idea to bring pot brownies to his school holiday party. He and a couple of his friends were in on it (not my cousin FYI). So here they were getting stoned 1st period, IN school, IN FRONT of their teacher. Pretty cool right? WRONG! I guess they were not seasoned potheads, cause one of them got too stoned and started to feel sick. Well the other too got paranoid and started to think he might be dying! Long story short? They turned themselved in! Got suspended from school for the rest of the year. And the best part is, in a small town like that, EVERYONE knows... especially if your dad is a COP!

Happy Holidays.

2004-10-27T01:09:00.000-05:00

So it looks like the ol' blog might finally be up and running (for all of you who have been hounding me to do so). I don't really understand why either... I'm 20 years old, working a dead-end job, living at home with my parents and FOUR little siblings, and twiddling my thumbs til I go to bootcamp.

Well I guess that's not all I do. Sometimes I stay up late enough to watch Conan (haha). Speaking of which, I'm a little disappointed that all the late night shows are in reruns right now; I'd love to see what they have to say about that little SNL deboccle.

Ok... so here's the very brief synapses of what's been going on with me recently. I have a job as an advertising assistant right by my house. I leave for bootcamp February 8, 2005- first stop on the road of being a Nuclear Technician. No boyfriend right now, although I'm entertaining some pretty sweet crushes. I'm coaching 5th and 8th grade volleyball. Working out with my dad at the gym- or as he calls it "the health club." Helping my mom look for a job. Babysitting. Well, that's about it.

I kinda feel out of place here. I'm the youngest and oldest person I know. I can't wait for everyone to come home for Thanksgiving.

One last thing: As you may have noticed, I added back a lot of the entries I had deleted this summer due to drama. To avoid any further problems, I omitted a few. Feel free to read back and comment if you want. Unfortunately I lost all your awesome comments (this applies mostly to les). oh and PS. I realize that there aren't any links on the right yet. I'm working on making this site functioning. I'm thinking about using my old template... sort of. g'night.

2004-10-27T01:06:00.000-05:00

WORD OF THE DAY
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.

2004-10-13T13:30:00.000-05:00

So today at work two of my pens simultaneously exploded all over the place. My desk and hands were COVERED in green and black ink. I tried to clean it up, but the more I did, the more I just smeared all over myself. I ended up with green ink smudges on my face- I looked like one of those teachers in high school that were always covered in chalk dust. I scrubbed and scrubbed, but nothing. I was branded with office supplies. It was ridiculous!

Unable to keep this funny little scenario to myself, and always looking for a reason to talk to my hot boss, I burst into his office, dramatically giving him the play-by-play on how I had become stained green. After laughing at me and the fact that I had tried to clean my desk with spit and a paper towel, he offered "Good thing you live so close... you can go home and clean up with paint thinner." To which I, the girl always prepared to give too much information, delivered this embarrassing anecdote:

"When I was about 14 years old, I was an avid rollerblader- always looking for the biggest, smoothest spots to try all my little turns and tricks. I found this choice street that had just been repaved and thought that it would be perfect! I started down the block and rollerbladed as fast as I could... I planned on just coasting over the fresh pavement, only it was a little too fresh and a little too hot out. I got about 6 inches in on the hot sticky tar when I got stuck and was thrown flat on my face! I was COVERED in burning hot, sticky tar! I had to take my rollerblades off and walk home, cause they were coated in goopy tar so the wheels wouldn't turn.

I got home and got in a hot shower, with the wire pad my parents had to clean our outdoor grill. I sat in the shower for over an hour scrubbing at my skin- trying to get the tar off, but to no avail. I mean, when they told us in history class that people were tarred and feathered, and there wasn't much you could do to get it off, they WEREN'T KIDDING!! Later that night my dad got home and suggested I use turpentine to scrub the tar off. Covered in scrapes and tar, I took his advice... AND IT HURT LIKE HELL! But the tar came off- eventually."

Hot boss was laughing as I walked out of his office.
Moral of the story? Stay away from paint thinner... and there are some stories you should just keep to yourself. :)

2004-09-16T13:17:00.000-05:00

What the #$%*???

2004-09-16T13:16:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to get this running again. I'm just sooo busy.

2004-06-14T00:07:00.000-05:00

Wow. Sorry guys. I really haven't blogged in a really long time. Ummm... Let's see what's happened. I'm not going to Las Vegas because Adam turned out to be a sketchy liar. So right now I'm looking for a job and apartment in Chicago.

I went camping in Wisconsin last week with two kids who just graduated from high school. It was so awesome! I went rock climbing for my first time ever. I almost cried when I was done cause I was so happy that I conquered my fear of heights.

Then last Saturday I went to the Cubs game and ran into an old acquaintance. (While I was there all these 50 year old men were hitting on me and this one 27 year old guy asked me out. HAHAHA) So any way this acquaintance took me out to dinner on Tuesday followed by a nice walk and talk on the beach. When he dropped me off there was an awkward hug followed by a nice kiss goodnight and plans to hang out Saturday night (last night).

Some friends and I went to this intimate party (about 10 people) Saturday night to meet up with him. He and I shared a very nice private chat, and I invited him to go to a friends wedding with me in two weeks. He accepted. Then we go back inside to rejoin everyone, and his buddy hands him his cell phone and was like "Dude your girlfriend just called."

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not get any "I have a GIRLFRIEND" vibes from this guy. What the fuck? Real Sweet. What is it with me and liking guys who are taken? First Chris and now this? But I mean he TOTALLY led me on!!! Whatever. I told him off. Then I called Adam and left a message telling him off. Then today, the guy who threw the party called and took me out for coffee. I think he tried to go in for the kiss, and I blocked it with a kiss on the cheek. OOPS. It's probably for the best. Dating friends is never a really good idea.
Time for bed. I have a long day of job hunting ahead of me!

Words to live by: "Boys Lie"

2004-05-28T01:19:00.001-05:00

My life is so annoying. Like one day last week for example. I missed my train to work. Had to stand in line at the bank TWICE because my account was overdrawn. I was wearing a skirt and walked over one of those vents in the sidewalk in Chicago and accidently flashed a bum my thong. I got on the wrong train headed home and had to walk miles. And I walked through someone's lawn/swamp and destroyed my shoes... that was just part of it.Then there are all the men in my life. All unreliable and bizarre in their own way. Between cryptic messages, mystery girlfriends, lies, distractions, and outright evasions, I am having a whirlwind of male relationships right now. Friends, family, crushes... they're all driving me nuts.Things just keep falling apart, and it's little stuff, so I don't really get upset about it... just really annoyed.

2004-05-17T12:15:00.000-05:00

The past week has been pretty much a blur. I have a vague idea of what I did on a daily basis, but cannot actually seperate the days from one another. Part of the week was celebration of summer, and the other part was trying to forget how awfully I did in school. Now I find myself with (as cliche as it sounds,) my whole life in front of me- a totally exciting and petrifying thought!!! In a few weeks I leave for New York. I leave my friends, my family... people who are very important to me. I'm kind of scared. Who knows what awaits me in New York..? and who knows what I'm going to be giving up here........?Then what happens after the summer? What am I going to do with myself? Go to a different school? Live at home and commute? Go overseas? Find something in New York? I'm so lost.

2004-05-10T02:08:00.000-05:00

Now that I am back in Chicago, I'm working in my dad's lawfirm trying to make a little extra money before I go to Las Vegas/New York in June. I do all my dad's filing, some of his typing, etc. So I'm really a clerk/secretary. As such, I get an office and part of a secretary work station. The woman I share this space with is without a doubt the most interesting/irritating thing about this job.
She's about 65 years old (at least)She has a 1960s housewife haircut, and wears it the same everyday. It never moves. Ever. She must use a can of hairspray on it every morning- the heavy duty hairspray, like aquanet or something. She wears this ridiculous BRIGHT red lipstick, no matter what else she's wearing. She has these HUGE red framed reading glasses for when she's typing... but that's just her appearance. She has a rubber ducky wearing a sambrero on her monitor, and a bobble-head Jesus and a series of rolodexes (4) on her desk.
And then you hear her talk...She has the LOUDEST, SHRILLEST voice ever. Every time she answers the phone it hurts my ears so bad my eyes start to water. Her boss sits in an office across the hall with his door open. Here's what happens: Phone rings. She answers it. Yells across the hall that he has a phone call and announces who it is. He yells across to her to "put him through." she does. then yells "okay you can pick up now!" OVER AND OVER AGAIN. ALL DAY LONG.(Couldn't they use the intercom system the way God intended??)
I never see her do any work. Today she was looking at Susan Lucci's Fan Club online. (For those of you who don't know, she's a soap opera actress). She just sits on the internet all day, doing nothing. Sometimes she fixes her makeup at her desk, but thats it. And she got up like 15 minutes ago and never came back. The phone's been ringing off the hook. She has a computer but she does all her major typing on a typewriter. She sits aperched a bright yellow silk pillow and has drawers filled with pills, catelogs, and nail files. She has a HUGE bowl of paperclips on her desk and a tiny tiny clock, the face the size of a nickel. Underneath her desk are four pairs of shoes, THREE of them are BEIGE!Then there's her music. She BLASTS 90s soft rock/ pop music all day! So far I've heard "All for you," "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne and that Seal song... oh there have been others, I just can't remember them right now.
I wouldn't even be out here, I'd be in my window office, but the internet and Word aren't installed... so I have to type out here. But even this computer's screwy... I can't get onto AIM. Oh well. I really should be working anyway. I have so much to do. 10 hour days, 20 min lunch, and STILL not enough time to get shit done. Can't wait to go home and see my friends tonight. AHHH okay. back to work.(she came and grabbed a mint out of her desk... and she's off!)

2004-05-08T00:28:00.001-05:00

So last Sunday/Monday I was up late studying, and I came across a blog that welcomed random emails. Well you can't say I'm not random. It was a very involved email... here are a few excerpts:
***"Hmmmmm. Oh I should probably tell you my name or something, so this isn't just a totally anonymous random email. My name's Catie. I'm 20 and I go to Iowa State. I like strawberries a lot... and pineapple pizza. I'm pretty ambitious, but I'm also a HUGE procrastinator... if I wasn't I'd either be sleeping or studying instead of writing you, so thank God for that. :) What else? I have a really big family- the oldest of 5. When I went away to school my parents gave my room away, so when I go home I have this small area without a door or dressers or a closet... just a futon. HAHAHA. "
***"I have this irrational fear of fish. When I was little my uncle got his nipple bitten and I've been afraid ever since. I'll go waterskiing occasionally, but I get really freaked out. Last summer my friends and I were boating on Lake Michigan and they convinced me to ski... I started getting really ansy and stood up too soon, when they finally sped up, my tips were too low and got stuck on the water- HUGE belly flop... if you could call it that. It was more of a FACE flop"
***"...And all these french men are really obsessed over whether or not he's my boyfriend. I reccommend that you avoid conversations with french men given the option. Everything in French sounds cheesy... or maybe french men are just all a little cheesy. They'll say stuff like "Ma belle, tu as vole mon coeur!" Which means "My beautiful, you have stolen my heart." or "Tu danses dans mes reves"..."You dance in my dreams." Hahaha."
MAYBE ONE DAY... if you're lucky, you'll get such an email from me.

2004-05-07T23:07:00.001-05:00

back to chicago tomorrow. my room is an absolute disaster. i have so much packing to do. i wish i could just set it on fire and get insurance money to go out and buy new stuff. i hate packing. my roommate left without saying goodbye today. i thought that was odd. our whole relationship was odd though. she could be really decent sometimes though. sometimes.

two or three weeks ago was VIESHA- some festival at iowa state- and i got really wasted and passed out at a strangers house during the riots (yeah there were riots). she came and got me and carried me to the car and drove me home at 5 am when she had a marathon to run at 6:30. really decent.

she could have said goodbye... or at least cleaned a little before she left. my room is so bare and ames is absolutely desolate. everyone has already left to go home.
its times like these i wish i had an imaginary friend.

did you ever see that movie "drop dead fred"? it made imaginary friends seem cool. only fred was a dick and got the poor girl into sooo much trouble. id want a nice friend. one who could sing (since my roomie took the stereo equipment), could teleport/fly... he'd probably be a hippy/pothead (cause if youre gonna have an imaginary friend, its only fitting that they be a stoner).... oh and hed have a magic bag like mary poppins with bubbles and bouncy balls and the movie zoolander, and other awesome stuff like that so we'd never get bored. i think his name would probably be elmo... or edgar. definitely edgar. but he wouldnt have a hunch back or anything. doesn't the name edgar make you think of hunch backs? hmmm. maybe edward. that sounds a little pretentious though. wait. what does it matter what his name is? he doesnt exist.
MAN! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF IOWA. hahaha.

2004-05-07T18:24:00.000-05:00

it seems that most of my entries lately have been when i was drunk, which doesn't really make sense cause i have been studying for finals all week.

2004-05-07T01:57:00.001-05:00

Maybe I should start paying for you all to say something.... a quater or two a comment. HAHAH never gonna happen. just stop being such jews. im in the computer lab... amongst some strange boy who tolds me that im beautiful today... i know... odd. well if youre reading this and showing it to all your 35 year old buddies you should call me. oh my god. i have a FINAL in 5 hours. not only have i not studies cause i ws supporting the band... but i dont even know where my final is. i m normally not this lacadasical... or however you spell that smartass. ugh. okay... to everrrrrrrrrrryone else... mostly les. i love you. see you in 72 hrs or lwaa (less) read my drunk speech you bitch! hajhhahahahahahaha. mwah

2004-05-06T04:30:00.000-05:00

So from Sunday to Wednesday i got an hour and a half of sleep... and then.. smart Catie decided to make an evening of it tonight-went to my friends' open mic night (they have a show tomorrow). Have you ever been caught up in so much drama it made you ill? welcome to tonight. i left. totally left my friends. i thought my head would explode if i listened to another second of it. it doesn't help that they were all drinking. oh and then i went and got some drama on my own. jeez. joe. i feel like im in highschool again. this whole night has been ridiculous. i cried during the oc tonight. touched a little too close to home. and those who know me well know what im talking about. the rest of you... don't worry about it. well i was planning on writing adam an email because i haven't talked to him in a while, but its 4:30 and i dont know if i can stay up another second. well im gonna try at least. i just had a pepperoni hot pocket, so i should be good energy-wise for another 15 minutes or so. i miss all my friends so much. cant wait to see you guys. ill be home late saturday... well not that late, maybe 9.... love you all. hope you have a good party/finals! :) see you soon.

2004-05-03T22:11:00.002-05:00

I wrote this last summer, and I stumbled across it today when I was cleaning up my computer. I hope it speaks to you.
2003-08-01 - 4:09 p.m.
Diary~After what seems like millions of tribulations in the [almost] nineteen years of my life, I have discovered many extraordinary things about myself. . . well maybe they are not that unusual, but nonetheless I would not be the unique person I am without them. I never realized that there was anything special or different about me until my freshman year of college. Everyone, at some point in their life, is forced to make a choice between who they are and who they can become. Often, this change is a good one, but not if what you are giving up is an essential part of who you are.

Slowly, throughout the course of my first year at Iowa State, I allowed someone else to decide who I was and what was or was not important to me. I made compromise after compromise until I was hollow inside. I no longer had a life that was my own. I no longer made my own decisions, rather, I made the decisions that I thought were expected of me. It was difficult going away to school and being catapulted into a new world with no friends and no one to turn to. For the first time I was in charge of my life and I was terrified. My parents were nothing more than a reference point and a quickly fading web of underlying principles. I felt utterly alone and jumped at the opportunity to have someone to share the journey with, someone to guide me. I allowed myself to be pushed, prodded, and persuaded into giving up everything from the clothes I wore to my belief in Jesus. And then there I was: no longer the same person, unsure of what was important to me, and oh yes. . . alone.

It was horrible, is horrible. I still am not sure exactly who I am, but I am pretty sure that no one ever really knows. I have found that there are a few things that I am very happy to accept back into my life, things that I would never give up again: my Irish heritage, my religion, my desire to do random, kind things for other people (yeah, that's right, he had a problem with me being kind to strangers), most of all my sense of adventure. I never want to just settle down and live a monotonous, predictable life again. I want to wake up in the morning to face the day and wonder what it has in store for me. I want that flame of excitement to always burn inside me and I refuse to allow another person to smother it. I'm not saying that I want to go sky diving every day, or get a tattoo, or dance naked on a bar. . . I just want to live my life my way. As the playwright Christopher Fry says, "Life is a hypocrite if I can't live the way it moves me!"

I just needed to put my feelings into writing so that I never forget, so that I never again let someone else decide what kind of woman I should be. I am taking this day and each day after today as a clean slate to build my own future, not someone else's. My only fear is that I will falter and find myself, once again in the position of redefining who I am. Maybe that's what life is all about. . . constantly changing and always following the desires in your heart. It's about allowing yourself to follow your heart without fear or worry, but with all your soul. I hope that I can follow my own advice; I'm the only one I'll be holding back if I can't. I realize that now.

2004-05-03T05:13:00.001-05:00

Talimar42: Well, there's a lot of reasonsI mean, roses only last like a couple weeksAnd that's if you leave them in waterAnd they really only exist to be prettySo that's like saying "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance"But a potato!Potatos last for fucking ever, manIn fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sackThat part alone makes it a good symbolBut there's more!There are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it!And that's like saying "i have many ways in which I show my love for you"And potatos may be ugly, but they're still awesomeSo that's like saying "it doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you"

2004-05-03T02:00:00.000-05:00

Lesley984: start studying for my final or bed?i really do like things that start with the letter B....beer, bud, brownies, bingeing
Lesley984: what are things you like that start with the letter b?
Staubber09: brownies
Staubber09: (special ones of course)
Lesley984: oh good one
Staubber09: barrettes
Lesley984: uhh
Staubber09: basketball players
Lesley984: not a big fan of either
Lesley984: HAHAHA
Staubber09: haha
Lesley984: but you're doing a good job
Lesley984: keep going
Staubber09: bouncing balls (those little fuckers you bounce and they go all over the room and you end up losing it under the radiator)
Lesley984: oh yes i have one right now!
Staubber09: Ben McKenzie (from the OC)
Lesley984: playing with it right now
Lesley984: HAHAA
Lesley984: yes!!!
Lesley984: so hot right now!
Staubber09: Barbados... i havent been there but im sure I would like it
Lesley984: HAHAHA
Staubber09: Braces on Tom Cruise... not cause they make him hot, but bc i get to laugh at him
Lesley984: HAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Lesley984: so good
Staubber09: baseball hats on ugly boys when im drunk so theyll appear hotter and i wont mind making out with them
Lesley984: how about boys?
Lesley984: do we like boys or not?
Staubber09: no i like MEN
Lesley984: HAHAHAH
Lesley984: how about bells
Lesley984: or burritos
Lesley984: beer hugs are nice
Lesley984: i mean bear hugs
Lesley984: bouncing on trampolines
Lesley984: bras
Lesley984: brakes (like for your car)
Staubber09: i have small boobs i dont need bras
Lesley984: BOOBS
Lesley984: good one
Staubber09: haha im a natural
Lesley984: hahahaha
Staubber09: what about BOTOX? I'll love it someday...
Lesley984: yeah seriously
Lesley984: busting a nut?
Lesley984: HAHAHHA
Staubber09: HAHAHAHA
Staubber09: barely passing your classes?
Lesley984: HAHAHAHAHAH
Lesley984: Becoming a Burnout?
Lesley984: wait no
Lesley984: not something i like
Lesley984: BLUNTS
Lesley984: how could we forget??
Staubber09: HAHAHAHA
Lesley984: brain (v. important)
Lesley984: birthdays and birthday suits
Staubber09: "BEATING BITCHES UP"~Coral (The Inferno)
Lesley984: baloons!
Lesley984: balloons
Lesley984: big chests on guys
Staubber09: bitch tits
Lesley984: HAHAHA
Staubber09: hahahahahaha
Lesley984: dont like bitch tits
Lesley984: bitch slap
Staubber09: now that i like
Staubber09: BLOG
Staubber09: haha
Lesley984: BLOG!!!
Lesley984: HAHAHHAAH
Lesley984: Bed
Lesley984: but i love you
Staubber09: byebye

2004-05-03T01:36:00.000-05:00

Staubber09: no book?

Staubber09: no notes?

Lesley984: haha

Lesley984: NO PROBLEM

2004-05-02T23:38:00.000-05:00

So... Instead of studying for this awful final I have tomorrow, I decided to update my blog. Oh the sacrifices I make for you guys! haha. I think, I could be wrong, but I THINK that after Tuesday I'm all done with finals. That's both a totally exciting and petrifying thought. I'm a little concerned that my grades are.... pas bon. Je devrais ecrire mon blog en francais... oh man. I really am turning into a nerd. Okay well I have to get back to teaching myself a semester of Psychology, without a text book cause I sold it for spending $ like two months ago... or any class notes cause I haven't been since spring break. Wish me luck.

2004-05-02T03:10:00.001-05:00

Cheese spread on crackers.... not quite as cool as pepperoni/pineapple pizza and breadsticks from Papa JohnsOh Les... how do you live like that?

2004-05-01T06:37:00.000-05:00

Breakfast is in one hour... not sure that i can stay up another second. I'm watching Jackie Brown right now. Can't really follow the whole movie thing. Not quite sober... not quite drunk. Thinkin about a someone. They knows who they are. I'll say somthing more eloquent later today maybe...hahaha

2004-05-01T04:59:00.000-05:00

I got this from Christy's Blog awhile ago... thought it was poignant. :)

"A girl and a boy bump into each other - surely an accident.A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops - surely another accident.But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid - that HAD to mean something."-- S. Morganstern*I think that this is a very important message to apply to life situations*

2004-05-01T04:15:00.000-05:00

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.

2004-04-29T20:25:00.001-05:00

I found this joke on my 13 yr old sister's profile... A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator. As it stopped on one floor, an extremely hot guy walked in. He had on a designer suit, great shoes, great eyes, etc. The only problem was that he had horrible dandruff. Both girls are practically drooling before he gets out on the next floor. As the doors close behind him, the blonde says to the brunette, "Oh my God Did you see that guy? He is totally hot" The brunette replies, "Oh I know But what is up with that dandruff? Someone should really give him some Head and Shoulders." The blonde thinks about what she said for a minute and then replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

They really do grow up fast. Want another Blonde Joke?Did you have roommate troubles this year? I stumbled across this.

"Just tell Nemo you couldnt find him because you were getting stoned... he'll understand..." Enjoi.

2004-04-29T15:46:00.000-05:00

"i love it when he calls me "sexy bum"......which brings me to my next life lesson. single and bored? no worries, just get yourself a sugar daddy. also, try to get one from england...the accent is totally sexy PLUS you can always take holiday to manchester." Lesley984I couldn't have said it better myself.

2004-04-29T00:30:00.000-05:00

Everyone is making fun of my blog, saying that it's LAME! Well they have no idea how long it has taken me to get this far! HAHAHA! I think I'm turning into a techie! Lesley is one of my very best friends and it is her support alone that is getting me through the frustration of being technologically retarded. To learn more about her likes and dislikes go here